11 March 2011
Rejection after rejection after rejection. I won't blame galactic realignment for my issues this year and I won't blame shitty people... mainly because I've cut all ties with people who make me feel worthless. So I guess the blame can only lead to one other person and thing: Me and my functionalities as a human being. You know, my inability to let go of everything that I broke and ruined, my ability to ruin everything and uhhh, my obvious self-hate. I just want a good job where I'm guaranteed hours. Sitting idly and watching the clock tick like heartbeats is taking away from everything I ever learned and making me dumber. My muscles hurt from stagnation and my eyes droop. My heart longs and my brain is glitchy. I'm exhausted but I haven't even moved. I feel like I'm just running away from everything again. I have never been this lost before. I was always the one with the stubborn sense of direction and though that crippled me a lot of the time, it also helped me. Now I'm the flake, the indecisive one and I don't see much of a future.
06 March 2011
Perhaps I just don't possess the right spirit to play ney. I want to. It's all I want. The simplicity of its natural timbre is like no other and I want my breath to bring those sounds out. But I just can't. After numerous videos and tips, I am still only able to make the tiniest whistle but I'm beginning to think that that's just my imagination.