To the North

Keep the spaces around you clean and your mind clear.

Never ever ever live in fear.

Pray when you believe in it and not for the sake of it.

Open your heart but guard your soul.

Eat what tastes good but know your limits.

Stand up to the tyrants and for the tyrannised.

Stay calm, keep loving, drink plenty of water.

Do not trust anybody ever again.

-S

If You're Listening...

Bismillahi-r-rahman-nir-rahim.

Dear universal force,

It's Stoney here. I'm not sure if you've noticed but I've been working really hard lately. I got through intense weeks of TAFE and am currently working full time and casual technician jobs to earn some money for my big trip and get some experience. I also cook and serve weekly at People's Kitchen. I don't expect instant gratification or anything like that but throwing one of the hardest things I've had to deal with at me at this very moment in time was pretty uncalled for. I do not have the time or strength to handle such negative energy. I am struggling to cope but I am forcing myself to otherwise my heart will break and my body will cave in response.

If this is a test, I'm losing my shit. If this is a test, I'm wasting my breath.

I cleaned my room on Saturday - like a madwoman. There was not a speck of dust in sight and the floor, desk and wardrobe are currently looking immaculate. This was meant to be the beginning of a hopeful and driven me. Unfortunately, however, I have been feeling a little bit shit and I really don't want to feel like this anymore. I know I must get over it but it is still fresh in my mind and painful. Some may say I'm forcing myself a bit too much considering it's only been a few days but no, I do not have a choice. I must say, the amazing friends you gave me have just been infinitely loving and caring and generous so thank you for that... But I feel like my recovery from this ordeal is taking far too long as I cannot afford to have emotions holding me back from the things I have promised myself I'd do.

I don't know if you see the determination in my eyes and heart or the passion in my soul but it's there and I need you to recognise it because nobody else does, especially the one person I hoped would have. I am tired of trying to find an inner strength I simply do not have so please, give me strength and patience.

I know I don't give you much but I don't ask for much either. Just this once... please. I am exhausted.

Yours,

-S

Amin.

NAILS

Inspired by the Watch Him Bleed zines by Ivana Stab. Mainly dedicated the womyn (in hopes that they will find similar strength) but applicable to anyone.

The "you" in this instance is a collective "you" because everyone that I've ever cared for has screwed me over and don't deserve the time of day to be individually named and shamed.

Resilient, they call me. And though I don't believe them, I know I've endured an ungodly amount of painful experiences. I am not tough or butch; effeminate or sensitive. I am, however, happy and proud to call myself me, inadequacies included. And you, you fucking arsehole, have helped me realise this.

You always picked her over me and you always pointed out our differences. But I don't even want to be her anymore because I don't need to be. I don't need to grow up to be glamourous or even worse, a mediocre nine-to-five gym junkie. That shit just bores me and come to think of it now, you would have bored me too.

You never gave me a moment to feel proud of who I am and what I've become. You wouldn't even make the slightest effort to just, for one second, tell me that I was worth your time. So if you can't even crack a smile when I tell you something awesome that I've just done then well, these tears will fall for you no longer.

Today, I sit here happy. I work my arse off everyday. I walk through rain and wind and a shitload of heartache yet still try my best to stand up for the subjugated. I fall down every single day and I get upset at the tiniest, pettiest things but I will not fall without gritty determination to get back up again.

I have not reached my biggest goal but you better hope you're still asleep the morning I do.

-S