05 July 2010

If You're Listening...


Dear universal force,

It's Stoney here. I'm not sure if you've noticed but I've been working really hard lately. I got through intense weeks of TAFE and am currently working full time and casual technician jobs to earn some money for my big trip and get some experience. I also cook and serve weekly at People's Kitchen. I don't expect instant gratification or anything like that but throwing one of the hardest things I've had to deal with at me at this very moment in time was pretty uncalled for. I do not have the time or strength to handle such negative energy. I am struggling to cope but I am forcing myself to otherwise my heart will break and my body will cave in response.

If this is a test, I'm losing my shit. If this is a test, I'm wasting my breath.

I cleaned my room on Saturday - like a madwoman. There was not a speck of dust in sight and the floor, desk and wardrobe are currently looking immaculate. This was meant to be the beginning of a hopeful and driven me. Unfortunately, however, I have been feeling a little bit shit and I really don't want to feel like this anymore. I know I must get over it but it is still fresh in my mind and painful. Some may say I'm forcing myself a bit too much considering it's only been a few days but no, I do not have a choice. I must say, the amazing friends you gave me have just been infinitely loving and caring and generous so thank you for that... But I feel like my recovery from this ordeal is taking far too long as I cannot afford to have emotions holding me back from the things I have promised myself I'd do.

I don't know if you see the determination in my eyes and heart or the passion in my soul but it's there and I need you to recognise it because nobody else does, especially the one person I hoped would have. I am tired of trying to find an inner strength I simply do not have so please, give me strength and patience.

I know I don't give you much but I don't ask for much either. Just this once... please. I am exhausted.





  1. i used to feel like this.

    i got disappointed over and over again.
    i still believe, but my faith is pretty broken and doesnt do much for me anymore.
    i really hope you don't get to that stage and the Big Guy in the sky helps you out a bit, because you're a darlin' and you deserve happiness


  2. As exhausting and hard as it is right now (and I know it is - life is fucking exhausting sometimes) you will learn something from this eventually, and it may not seem particularly positive, but it'll make you stronger and one day it'll give you the edge to cope with something you might not have been able to othherwise. This a bit of fairy-la-la-everything-will-be-alright response, which I hate cause I know how much it hurts when you're there, but you know what they say, there's a plan for everything. Muchos muchos hugs though!